Dissociation and the Oppressive Christian Standard Bearers
Something strange happened to me in the days following the video release of George Floyd’s murder. I was irate for two days and then… I felt nothing. There was no anger, no despair, and certainly no determination to make things better. This blow to my mental state was an especially bitter pill to swallow because I had just bookended Memorial Day weekend with vacation days trying to refresh my spirit after struggling with the oppressive weight of the pandemic. But the absence of emotion was new. I didn’t know what to make of something I hadn’t previously felt in other states of mental distress. It would turn out that what I was experiencing was a mental phenomenon called dissociation. This piece will lack the coherence of my previous essays yet will almost certainly lack the chaos of the “Paragraphs” essays I write from time to time. But I hope to convey my ongoing transformation and what I’ve learned about the foundation of my faith, my stance on the ongoing discussions, and what I plan to do with the traumatic loss of my emotions.
In a discussion on an immigration bill in 2007, Bill O’Reilly made the following statement during an exchange with Senator John McCain:
But do you understand what the New York Times wants, and the far-left want? They want to break down the white, Christian, male power structure, which you’re a part, and so am I, and they want to bring in millions of foreign nationals to basically break down the structure that we have. In that regard, Pat Buchanan is right. So I say you’ve got to cap with a number. — [0]
There is at least one other interview in which O’Reilly makes the same reference to attacks on the “white, Christian male power structure” and his implicit desire to preserve it [1]. This was a fascinating discovery because it presents a problem that I’ve believed has long existed in American Christianity: its collusion with white, patriarchal imperialism. It should be clear that in recent years that despite the hysteria surrounding the ascent and presidency of Barack Obama, these power structures persevered. The continued murders of unarmed black people, the election of a white nationalist as President of the United States, the drastic increase of white supremacists groups over the past decade, and the ascension of conservative Christian evangelicals directly into the president’s line of succession strongly suggests that the power structure O’Reilly speaks of is stronger than ever. You see, to the white, Christian male power structure we live under, George Floyd is not a victim nor an accident but an expected and even lauded outcome.
I had just finished watching Bayern Münich’s thrilling 1–0 victory over Borussia Dortmund when I hopped on my work laptop on Tuesday, May 26th and saw the video of George Floyd’s murder. I watched the first thirty seconds and decided I wasn’t watching anymore because all of the comments suggested nothing else happens except a man unnecessarily dying. Chauvin doesn’t remove his knee from Floyd’s neck. The other officers don’t intervene. The videographers don’t intervene (and reasonably so). Selfishly, I wanted to enjoy my last day before going back to work. Plus, I had already read about Breonna Taylor’s murder. I had already seen Ahmaud Arbery’s murder. And Walter’s. And Tamir’s. And John’s. And Terence’s. And Eric’s. And. And. And… And I didn’t need to see anymore. And I didn’t need to feel anymore. However, it was too late. Anger and despair began to slip in along the shadows of the late afternoon sun I soaked in while sipping Gulden Draak on the back porch oblivious to the rage I would awaken to the next morning.
I’m already a pretty bad texter. Unless I’ve known you since before freshman year of high school, you don’t hear from me as much as you should (family not included). Sometimes, I lack the self-awareness to understand that I am not responding to messages as I should. The odd thing about dissociating was that I knew I wasn’t responding to messages and just didn’t care. I would take an hour each day and respond to the plethora of messages I was receiving from friends checking in on me. I appreciated all these messages yet in my state it felt like an item on a checklist. One of my boys thought I was mad at him because I didn’t respond in a timely fashion (sorry again, Peter!). My dissociation was inconsistent; if you were black, I probably responded to your messages. If I didn’t meet you in Boston, I probably responded to your messages. I wasn’t even really talking to my roommates authentically. As JID said, “I was just fucked up, I was just down, down, bad.”
One of the misconceptions about me and my various affinities is that I enjoy criticizing them. It’d be really nice to have no complaints about: University of Michigan football, Detroit sports, Detroit, America, and the tech industry. However, that’s not real life. These are all flawed institutions that could be much better. Finally, after four paragraphs of exposition, I have the courage to name another flawed institution: American Christianity.
American Christianity’s deepest struggle is not with the changing attitudes of greater society but the racism within its own chapels and cathedrals. If one believes that Christian principles were the foundation of the law of this country, then one would also be forced to acknowledge that somewhere between the Declaration of Independence and the ratification of the US Constitution, those principles were irreparably corrupted. The inhumanity of the Black man, through the Three-Fifths Compromise, was codified in 1787 and while America has made major strides since, all of these gains were hard won. Additionally, the majority opinion of Christianity was against racial equality throughout each movement. Consider that Rev. Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.’s disapproval rating was around 75 percent at the time of his death [2]. Slavery was allowed to exist in large part due to the abdication of the church to love their neighbor as themself. Though Paul implored Christians to to see one another of as sons and daughters of God and offspring of Abraham through Christ, the implication of that worldview was never extended to the converted slave, the segregated Negro, and now the Black man living under a carceral state with a corrupt criminal justice system. [3]
It does not require much investigation to realize that throughout American history, the white Christian when faced with a choice between sacrificing their power and sacrificing their values has rarely been willing to voluntarily share the privilege conferred upon their demographic. Those rights and privileges obtained by minorities have often been paid for in blood; blood that was shed by those who would unironically traverse the between the worlds of Sunday Service and cross burnings. And while denominations like the Quakers have proven to be at times the exception to the rule, Christians have historically demonstrated that there is a reason Bill O’Reilly chose to put “white” before “Christian” in his description of this country’s traditional power structure. It is because a plurality, if not majority, of the American church has chosen willful subservience to the institution of white supremacy.
Nowhere is this compromise more obvious than the white Evangelical embrace of President Donald Trump. The compromises made by white Evangelicals on the character, behavior, and policy by President Trump have been so immense that I find myself skeptical the primary reason for this alliance is to secure the foundation for a national abortion ban. It beggars belief that resolve to ban abortion is so strong that the cost of irreparably damaging the American Christian witness due to support of a racist, xenophobic, corrupt, selfish, and incompetent demagogue is considered an acceptable price. It is entirely possible that I am the one who is in the wrong given the mysteries of the Lord. However, I find myself incapable of seeing President Trump as anything other than a repudiation of America’s and American Christianity’s unwillingness to address the racism and inequality that has infiltrated all of the systems that compose American society.
This is the background through which I entered the week following the murder of Mr. Floyd. I had no reason to believe the average white Evangelical Christian would be comfortable with the necessary societal reforms that need to occur in our criminal justice system. To them, Derek Chauvin is just another “bad apple.” It is here that I will note the “bad apple” phrase in its entirety is “a bad apple spoils the bunch,” a saying whose meaning when applied to our criminal justice system should be self-evident. Colloquialisms aside, it is not surprising that a month later a cursory look at the general disposition of white evangelicals towards criminal justice and police reform suggests my assumption was correct. While on the surface that should be discouraging, a closer look at what’s happening would suggest some positive potential if the objections to some of the behavior occurring in the protests are genuine and not concern trolling. The great litmus test for authenticity in my view is the willingness to grapple with the symptoms and causes of rioting. Are critics capable of coming to Rev. Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.’s conclusion about the underlying kindling that sparks riots:
Certain conditions continue to exist in our society, which must be condemned as vigorously as we condemn riots. But in the final analysis, a riot is the language of the unheard. And what is it that America has failed to hear? It has failed to hear that the plight of the Negro poor has worsened over the last few years. It has failed to hear that the promises of freedom and justice have not been met. And it has failed to hear that large segments of white society are more concerned about tranquility and the status quo than about justice, equality and humanity. And so in a real sense our nation’s summers of riots are caused by our nation’s winters of delay. And as long as America postpones justice, we stand in the position of having these recurrences of violence and riots over and over again. Social justice and progress are the absolute guarantors of riot prevention. — MLK, “Other America”
The early returns are not promising. When I see the struggles of white evangelical Christians, this is what I see: I see Franklin Graham condemn riots but not the structures that have led people to believe this is their only option [4]. I see Senator Kelly Loeffler advocating that the American flag as a symbol of unity while failing to acknowledge that many rightfully view it as a symbol of promises unkept by this country and those in power [5]. I see Pastor Louie Giglio’s reticence to speak a tough but loving truth to Chick-Fil-A CEO Dan Cathy, leading him to describe “white privilege” as a “white blessing,” as though the systemic societal advantages granted to white Americans are the result of God’s blessing and not enslavement, genocide, and racial discrimination [6]. The absurdity of this statement was only matched by the grossly unfair position it forced upon Christian rapper Lecrae, who was forced real-time to grapple with if and how to respond to what he just heard. I see my church, that I love dearly, feel that it was okay to finish a sermon series on “Thriving” despite the numerous protests around the country demonstrating that in the days that followed Floyd’s murder, black people were doing anything but thriving (note: I’ve talked to our senior pastor about my displeasure with this. I hope this isn’t news to anyone from church leadership reading this).
This is why I shut down. This is why I stopped replying to text messages. This is why I’m giving serious thought to leaving the country not just because I’ve had a desire to live abroad elsewhere but for my own safety, physically and mentally. It was not the mere dealing with the lack of control and influence I had on a situation that brought me to despair. This was a problem and one with which I will continue to grapple. However much control I believe I have, God consistently shows me it is less than even that. Moreso, the source of my despair was that those Christians with control don’t care. It was that I believed that the overwhelmingly white Christian leadership ostensibly appointed by God to this country, the very segment that is collectively capable of forcing the Republican Party and President Trump to truly live out their pro-life position, only has interest in deflection and lip service. It was the nail in the coffin of the reality that America’s Christian standard bearers are at best MLK’s white moderates that care more about order than justice and at worst the promised heirs to a dark legacy that seeks to reaffirm Christendom in white supremacist imperialism.
None of these realizations left me without fault. Clear to me now was that I had equated God’s goodness and faithfulness with the fruit produced by the mainstream conception of the American Church. Whereas the mainstream conception of the American church is often defined by whiteness and often sees the minority churches as entirely separate entities, I know that we are all one body with many members. And many members of this tapestry are living faithfully, speaking out against systemic racism, and marching and demanding justice with their black brothers and sisters. Another fault in me was allowing for the utter failure for Christianity’s ostensible leaders to live the Evangelical Covenant Community’s mantra, to love mercy and do justice, to hinder me from doing so. While I am impacted by the corruption of American Chrisitianity’s standard bearers, I do not have to be defined by it. It does not and will not prevent me from loving God and loving my neighbor. So let Senator Loeffler, Pastor Graham, and Dan Cathy ally themselves with white supremacy. I’ll shut down 99 times and reboot 100 if it means that I can continue to seek justice for the poor and marginalized as Jesus did.
Author’s Note: All edits are for clarity. I really wanted to play Sanctum instead of proofreading and it shows.
Update 2: Forgot to add a banger
[0] — https://youtu.be/ysoOB9w0tF4
[1] — https://www.outsidethebeltway.com/oreilly_and_the_white_christian_male_power_structure/
[3] — https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Galatians+3%3A23-28&version=ESV