The Annual

Disruptive. No word quite fits my maiden year as a young adult in Boston as disruptive. Boston, a better-resourced metropolitan area than my beloved hometown of Detroit, has always been a place I look to in order to reformulate my vision. The technical, spiritual, and mental challenges I grappled with during my time at MIT have for better or worse branded Boston as a metropolis in which I elevate myself. Despite relishing the opportunity to immerse myself in an environment that stimulates the growth necessary to discover my final form, I was still apprehensive at the idea of relocating from a place where growth was predictable and well-established to a place where the trend lines can be much harder to identify. This is The Annual, a comprehensive retrospective on a year as defined from a particular milestone. 2017’s Annual will reflect on a year living in Boston as a young adult.

Internalizing Grace

“Kevin, you are always your harshest critic.” This statement is repeated often by my mom when I express frustration for failing to live up to my lofty expectations. Later on in life, my pastor told me, “Your inability to accept grace from God and to give grace to yourself is what will ultimately limit your ability to give grace to others for their own personal shortcomings.” Grace is an issue I’m elaborating on in this post but in reality grace is THE issue of the past year. The different levels of powerlessness I’ve felt over police shootings, the election, my professional development, romance, and my own spiritual development have exposed just how much I need God’s unmerited favor in my life.

In a recent sermon, my pastor described the “four thieves of life”: drive, excellence, knowledge, and activity. The idea was that in moderation the presence of these elements in your life is a benefit. However, this can quickly turn into a detriment if these elements exist in excessive quantities. Though I am personally guilty of possessing all but activity in excess, I want to focus on drive and excellence. I have high expectations for myself; probably, these expectations exceed my potential. Yet, I still strive to operate at peak physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual capacity. Understanding that I have very real limitations at any given point in time, I can tolerate slow progress. However, regression is infuriating. There is a saying in software engineering that it is acceptable to make a mistake but not acceptable to fail to learn from that mistake. I see repeating mistakes as regression because I should have acquired the knowledge to avoid such errors going forward. Composing myself in the midst of regression can be difficult to say the least (ask anyone who watches me play sports). This, dear readers, is the battleground on which grace seeks to assert itself in order to effect transformative change within me.

Ironically, this struggle was likely cultivated as a result of my upbringing. My upbringing was conventionally good: good parents, decent education, solid neighborhood, and good friends. However, I was not conventionally good, and that manifested itself early. Behavioral issues resulted in me changing schools several times before fourth grade. Yet, I was perceived as a genius and was showered with praise for my intellectual capacity. These primary ingredients, along secondary ones (half-letic ability, big fish in a small pond, etc.) mixed together for a dangerously volatile cocktail commonly known as my surly competitive streak. Because I couldn’t do anything right behaviorally and because I was doing everything right intellectually, I’ve come to naturally bear an Atlas-like burden. I live in a world where people don’t expect significant societal contributions from black males and yet here I am, one who is praised for having high intellectual potential, effectively on my own in this world. If I don’t push me to the next level, who will? Going from a small pond in my beloved Detroit to the intellectual powerhouse that is Greater Boston has only amplified the pressure I feel to do something spectacular because the resources to do transformative work exist here. But I know, deep down, that I won’t be able to focus on to my particular mission, whatever that may be, until I cast my burdens on to the Lord. I can’t be successful until I allow myself to fail, give grace to myself, learn from my mistakes, and prevent myself from ruminating. And maybe then, I’ll be able to truly extend the fullness of grace, love, and forgiveness to others. A Sisyphean task on my own; thank God for His Spirit!

High Visibility

I’m working at a small company as a software engineer (okay, look, I came from General Motors, 50 people is minuscule for me). This means a lot more of what I do and a lot more of the opinions I hold, mathematically speaking, carry more weight than at my previous employer. Admittedly, this is abnormal and an adjustment for me. I’m not used to my opinion having so much influence on the direction of an entire department. It is really cool because opportunity is omnipresent but it is also really scary because I’m not necessarily sure if the spotlight is for me. Right now, in this phase of life, I would never envision myself as a VP of Engineering, a CTO, or a cofounder. I have far too much I need to learn to start thinking in that manner. Or maybe I just need to get a little high off my own supply and buy into my own hype? Who knows. But in many ways at work, I’m pushed into a position where I need to be more assertive, more confident, and more outspoken. Balancing these requirements with respectfulness and humility is brutally difficult and I’ve certainly made my share of mistakes. My passion and natural desire to do amazing work has at times led me to rash statements. Fortunately, the slightly conservative (and yet typically aggressive) principle of “don’t get fired” has served as a solid regulator when I need to express my opinion constructively. Most of the time.

In addition to grappling with larger influence at work, it feels like no spotlight is shining brighter on me than one at my church Cornerstone. I’ve been asked to help determine what non-pastoral spiritual leadership at Cornerstone should look like while also serving in that capacity on an interim basis. Y’all could tell me one thousand times that I am qualified to serve in that position, I’m still going to feel like a Toyota Prius trying to race a Ferrari F40. The charm of a Toyota Prius is that it is completely self-aware about why it exists (unlike say, the entire crossover segment) and drivers appreciate that unapologetic honesty. No, it’s not netting you a sub-nine minute time on the Nurburgring, but it’ll get you long distances on a single tank of gas. I’m exactly like a Prius… with more charm. I probably have an above-average understanding of how deeply flawed I am (relative to others’ understanding of themselves), how few of my many flaws I’ve actually discovered, and how much I need the Lord to simply avoid being a dipsh… dud of a human. In the words of a friend with whom I shared the news of this unexpected role, “I don’t know what the hell they are thinking.” Look, even in this first month and a half, I’ve already hit some personal setbacks. A significant part of faith is embracing the uncomfortable scenarios in which you may find yourself. Despite my failings, I have seen God use this as an opportunity to inform me on previously unknown characteristics of leadership.

First, you cannot lead without an objective or success criteria. That sounds obvious but many people become leaders to further their own agendas and ambitions. Nearly every leadership position has an objective or vision attached to it and those who choose to occupy those positions are responsible for articulating how they plan on executing that vision. The second takeaway is that you must have a deep commitment to winning. These tenets of leadership must be sequential because a commitment to winning without defining success criteria is how you end up with a tenure of leadership indistinguishable from Donald Trump’s presidency. Interestingly enough, these tenets of leadership are not exclusive to leadership positions themselves but can also be applied to how one conducts his or her personal life journey. For example, while I started 2017 with a strong commitment to my defined success criteria, it has certainly felt as though my commitment has waned as the temperature increased. Stepping back and recalibrating what it means for this year to be a success is an overdue adjustment.

Probing Patience

This year was supposed to be an exercise in practicing patience and it sure has worked out that way. Fortunately for me, I have made solid progress on that front. While I am still highly susceptible to rash statements, the amount of comments I’ve made that I regret this year seem to be at an all-time low. That’s a good start and hopefully the trend of patience within all aspects of my life continues. Speaking of patience, my indifference on the lack of romance in my life is soon to drive my roommate and my mother insane. I find their stances to be an amusing, highly valuable validation of my progress in the realm of patience because I was thirsty as hell in college (they might have a point though). Patience is closely related to the idea of giving myself grace in moments of frustration as my lack of grace is oftentimes a reflection of how impatient I’ve become with myself. There isn’t too much more to say here, other than I’m trying to uphold my end of God’s covenant with me and bring Him glory no matter the cost. And I’m going to need patience as an attribute to have a shot of fulfilling that promise.

Acknowledgements

There are plenty of people that I’d like to thank for the transition back to the Boston area. First I’d like to thank my friends at Cornerstone, especially Haeun, for welcoming me back. I definitely struggled with reintegrating in to the community but it was always great to know that there were some welcoming and friendly faces. Shout out to the pastors for being available and not only being willing to meet, but desiring to meet with each of us in the congregation. It definitely instills a sense of belonging within the church. Thanks to my roommate Andres for listening to my rants, being available, and discovering dope board games… and okay getting me to go out and meet some ladies (Summer is great). Thanks to my coworker-in-crime Andrew for… being you. Okay, okay, for bringing some energy, fun, and much needed camaraderie to the workplace. Thanks to Jay for being the first church dude to invite me for a night out. I’m probably forgetting some people because that’s what I do but seriously, thanks everyone.

Requests

That being said, I have some really simple requests. Let’s go to HUD Secretary and former presidential candidate Ben Carson (who may I remind you, is definitely NOT from Detroit):

For Real Though?

Seriously, crack some jokes at my expense. I promise I can take it. Here are some memorable moments of people from the D doing just that:

Andre: Yo, didn’t somebody say that Kevin used to dress like a Toys’R’Us kid?Kim: Idk but I said he dressed like a middle schooler

Chris: I thought he wanted to talk to the black woman.
Troy: How long have you known Kevin?! When have you ever known Kevin to go after a black woman? Even the South African woman he liked was white.

Me (last Christmas): Why did Celeste think I was dating?
Mama Dub: I don’t know but I was hoping she was right. Shit, I was hoping you’d bring somebody home.

Me: *Picks up phone* Hi Dad.
Big Dub: Any married women try to harass my son this week?

As you can see, there are no holds barred when you enter the circle of trust. You see me flirting with a bomb young lady? Crack a joke. Am I wearing whack shoes? Crack a joke. Did a volleyball hit me in the face? Crack a joke. Just be ready for that clapback. Because what is love if it isn’t teasing each other.

Challenge me to be better. Don’t let me be a bum. If I’m mad at you for a week but great for a year, I’ll love you forever.

Some Hot Takes

• As of this posting, the players who have come out and said Colin Kaepernick should be playing in the NFL would be a solid foundation for a Super Bowl contender.
• Is there an industry more self-important than the tech industry?
• Tesla fanboys/girls have somehow managed to eclipse Chrysler “Fake Bentley” 300 drivers as the most annoying people in the automotive space. Elon Musk is a genius but I swear some of these people would drink that dude’s bath water (safe for work, I promise). For all the marketing hype around Tesla, they couldn’t even beat the Model 3’s chief competitor to market by a calendar year. Yet when it drops, it will somehow be hailed as revolutionary because no one knows the Chevy Bolt exists. (Here I’m supposed to disclose that I’m a former GM employee. I’ll also disclose that having driven a Camaro, I wouldn’t buy one because seeing out of rearview windows is important to me.) But grading bombastic hype machines on a curve is exactly how a company that makes no money is somehow allowed to go public (*cough* Snapchat *cough*). Tesla succeeding would be fantastic for the automotive industry but I really want the company’s fans to go away.
• Ban crossovers. Dumbest vehicle segment in existence.
• The Democratic Party’s perpetual ability to draw the wrong conclusions from political events never ceases to amaze me. Seriously, imagine losing an election because you decided to ignore a burgeoning movement for blue-collar jobs and more robust middle-class opportunity. Then, imagine your response to defeat is asking your union-busting billionaire donors on what the next direction for the party should be. Peak cluelessness.
• I thought Justine Damond’s death would be a real turning point in white people’s perception of police brutality and excessive force. Black Lives Matter (the organization and the movement) did too and that’s why they showed up. If white people are willing to take the occasional L just so the cops can continue to shoot black people with impunity, I’ve really underestimated the amount of work it is going to take for black people to be seen as human in the eyes of the justice system.
• Autonomous driving is much further away than mid-2020s. I’d guess early 2040s (if i’m right, it’s because a broken clock is right twice a day).

Beyond

In spite of my first year in Boston being very disruptive towards how I prefer to operate, I could not be more pleased to be here at this juncture in my life. Proper disruptions can be transformative after all. The resources and the challenges here feel as though they are pushing me to ascend to unfathomable heights. The friends I have here make me want to elevate my game to the next level. What’s the next level? Man, stop asking these questions! Life is an RPG and as Jesus Christ said in his sermon on the mount: “Don’t worry about the loot in the next dungeon for that dungeon will worry about itself. This dungeon has more than enough loot for you to find right now.”