The Sinister Shadow of Selfishness

“Do nothing from selfish ambition or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves.” — Philippians 2:3

There are two types of selfish people in the world. The first is transparent. You can tell that they look out for themselves by their actions and even by their own admission. The second are like me: liars. Now, the victim of the lie varies but it is clear that people like myself wear the veneer of balance or even selflessness. Yet, an alternative lens on their actions reveals the full extent of their deceit and maybe even the victim. Unsurprisingly, the primary victim in this case is likely myself but that doesn’t mean this lie has no impact on the people around me.

Upon reflection, I’ve always had a pretty sinister selfish streak. It reveals itself in how I react when things don’t go according to plan. It reveals itself in how I feel when plans are deferred. But where does it come from? To make an initial guess, I’d hazard that my adult selfishness is the byproduct of my embrace of fatalism and pessimism towards certain desires in my life, most likely romance (racial equality is a close second). That is to say, I’ve encountered enough disappointment in this arena that at a minimum I subconsciously operate with the belief that my desire for romantic love won’t be fulfilled in any meaningful way. So I, a single person, glom on to the two greatest perks of singlehood: independence and time.

This… sort of makes sense. My friends and family know (or should know) that the two ways to guarantee my annoyance and/or displeasure are to: involuntarily book me for an event and interrupt a nap. Interrupting one of my naps is usually just an inconvenience. Sometimes I’m mad or sad and really just need a nap to reset my mind. Most of the time though, it just feels good. Involuntarily booking me for engagements? Now that pisses me off. And the most messed up thing about it is that most of the time it’s people I enjoy booking me for things I will enjoy. It’s the principle of matter. “I am a relatively successful, single, grown ass adult man. How dare you tell me I’m going bowling with you on Saturday night?! What if I wanted to look at $pornstar’s tits instead? You ever think about that?” Are you starting to see the picture here?

Another, grosser way that selfishness manifests in me is through the appearance of selflessness. Unless of course, selflessness interferes with my independence as previously mentioned. I want to be the fixer. I want to be the reliable one for the people around me that I care about. More than once, I’ve thought to myself when a loved one was experiencing a difficult time, “Why didn’t they tell me?” For those of you who know me, the hypocrisy in this question is so thick it makes a NFL lineman look like a Lays potato chip in comparison. I digress. The most damning thing about this question is that it cares nothing for the far more critical one: “Were they well-supported in their time of need?” It cares more about my presence in their strife than the worst case scenario of everyone’s absence. And note, this is only an offer for people who fit my arbitrary, fluid definition of “worthy.” Those outside of that circle are not guaranteed that same luxury.

There have been several incidents over the past six months that have emphasized the need for this reflective work. Roommates, parents, and friends have been victims of this really ugly run of self-importance and self-absorption. Could it be a symptom of the pandemic? Certainly, but there are clear pieces of evidence this nastiness has been present all along, even going back to my childhood. Fundamentally, I need to be more empathetic. I need to be more cognizant of why people are behaving the way that they are. I need to understand they have desires as well and for some reason that can sometimes involve spending time with me. I need to understand that maybe they have their “fixer” or their “sounding board.” More importantly, I need to get back into Word, prayer, and meditation. I’ve been more consistent this year but I’ve fallen off quite a bit since the beginning of the pandemic. As my friend Kobe astutely pointed out, being an effective witness for Christ is inseparable from receiving the power of the Holy Spirit according to Acts 1:8. I desperately need to grow in the Spirit so that my selfishness can be transformed into genuine selflessness.

Thanks be to God for these short revelations. And may the creature comforts of my friends’ restaurants and Fresca help me dodge Angela White and copious booze. Amen.